I used to be a singer/songwriter. Some said I was pretty good. Was even offered a development deal with Warner Chappell (which I was prevented from taking, but that is another story).
Still, I’m glad my life went that way afterall. In retrospect, and after years of bitterness.
I used to sing and write as a result of listening to the radio and all of those popular records.
I used to sing and write as a direct result of that live performance high.
And let me tell you, all of those things apply to modern day “Christian” music as well. Not just for me, but for everyone (yes I said everyone) else in the business. Even back then I knew that Christian music was a “money making” industry first and foremost, and I didn’t get too caught up in it. I played everything from oldies to top 40 as well. Not considering one genre holier than the other.
It’s been 5 years since I seriously picked up my guitar to write. There are genuine reason for that.
I’ve been ashamed. And I found myself lost for a time, so I needed to work it all out.
Ashamed that I ever sold out to what I thought people wanted to hear. Sold out to my own brainwashing of what I thought constituted a good song. I, like most songwriters, tried to find that perfect formula, that “hook”, that singable melody, that radio appeal.
Forgive me Father.
Here’s what I’m looking for today:
If You dropped me down from heaven onto this earth without giving me any previous exposure to what was played on earth, and you told me to sing, what would my heart sing? MY heart. The heart that YOU gave me. Not the one the world wants to fashion us to become as musicians. Not the one my ear has become accustomed to hearing. Not the one that I think may get me on the radio.
You, oh Lord, have given us all talents to use for your kingdom. YOUR kingdom. The true kingdom. Not that money making, record playing, “sound” that everyone is trying to achieve. The sound that does a lone performance for the destitute widower. The sound that encourages the children from the back porch while they play together in the streets. The sound that plays to YOU alone on the mountain giving back the gift You gave. THAT sound. That is the sound I am in search of today. I can only find it in my own heart as it opens up to you. So for now I am busy searching for truth, for real in my motivations and my creativity. No matter how unpopular it may be.
I wonder how many musicians are content with that? I know a few. I will never hear them on the radio, no matter how often I long to sit beside them as they strum.
Famous musicians, radio played artists, and CD covered graced entertainers don’t do it for me anymore. Heaven forbid I might have become one of them. Sure their music is fine. But their cause? It doesn’t stir me anymore. Not like it used to. Their ranks I don’t want to join.
Thank you for this journey Father. Give me courage to find that seven year old who lives inside of me, that I may get back to YOU. That I may pick up my guitar. That I might write with my pen, that which you have commissioned me to write. That which you have ordained ME to say.
I am patient for now. Increase this patience that the work you are doing in me may be accomplished.
But Iwant you to know that I feel You blowing the embers. Jesus, I feel You blowing on the embers.