I am a philosophical soul. Put a pen in my hand and I will write. Because I am also a writer.
I think deep thoughts and work out mysteries all day long without always being aware that I am doing so. The problems, the solutions, the ever unanswered – that all needs some place to go. I can’t just let it float around out there in space.
Used to be I’d get out the scribbling pad, or marry clever lyrics to musical notation, or bounce it off a family member or close friend, and become thoroughly enthralled and satisfied with their brilliant bouncing back through me.
Now I just put it on social media. Partly because I’ve ventured thousands of miles from my closest peeps and that is where I find they now reside- or some semblance of them. And partly because I’ve become somewhat addicted to doing so. But it’s not the same. Social media is ultimately unfulfilling
and falls flat.
I just want to give you my epiphany. Because that’s what we do. Us thinkers. Us grandiose thought-churners. We are grandiose- even if only in our own minds. And we have to do the ta da! And we want you to ta da! us as much as we ta da! you because we really want to revel in the wonder of it all.
I want to wow you. But I don’t want it to stop there. I want my wowing you and our connectedness to impress you so thoroughly that you call me up and take me out for coffee. But that never happens because all of my family is so far away, and the other people on social media I connect with have their own real lives in foreign locations I’ve mostly only seen on maps or driven through. It’s not likely they’ll ever get to me and it’s not likely I’ll ever get to them.
So you’re not going to call me and I’m not going to call you. And it’s frustrating. Because what I really need is one good friend who I can share deeply with. Who gets me. Who appreciates me and wants to make room in their real life for me.
So I give a lot of me away. I give it out on Facebook. But today for the first time in several years, I realized that my introverted and peaceful nature isn’t jiving with my “public” persona. I don’t like to share with everybody. I’ve always been a little stingy that way. I only like to share with a choice few. Kindred spirits who I know accept and delight in all of me, and in whom I equally delight.
So I concluded that I have been fishing. I’ve been looking for the deep ones. The special ones. The kind ones. Oh, yes, I know there are many kind people in the world. Many who are deep, and many who are special. But there are only a few who will ever be my kind of deep and my kind of special.
God used to just bring them. In the good old days. He’d sprinkle my life with them like seasoning. I didn’t go looking, He just brought them. I trusted Him for that. He always delivered. Always pleasantly surprised.
You know what happens when you go looking for friends and connectedness on social media? You lose any chance of allowing for real friends to find you in real life. You try to supersede and bypass God. You kind of try to do His job, and then you find yourself miserably alone. It’s never a really good idea to try to do God’s job.
I’m a private person and do you know what I like to do? I like puzzles and crosswords, and gardening and writing, and crafts and music, and checking out books from the library, and going for walks and road trips, and going to the beach and swimming, and dancing in my kitchen, and baking and cleaning, and spending time with a few good people doing I-couldn’t-care-less what. I like serving the elderly and the poor and the youth. I like singing in restaurants and outdoor concerts. I like meeting people at my shows, and where I serve, but then I have to slip away from them and recharge my batteries. Because I. AM. A. PRIVATE. PERSON.
With this realization I can now successfully, finally, come away from social media. I never once looked at it like this before.
Apparently in today’s world I need a Facebook page for my musical endeavors so people- fans and friends- know where to find me. Where I’m playing and what I’m recording. So there sits my Facebook page. But never again will I use it for fishing. Never again will I let it take place of the supernatural relationships God has been desperately trying to bring my way. It will make its scheduling announcements. It will serve its rightful and healthful purpose and will not go beyond that. Sure I have a “quaint” little alternative page to that one where my children are added and we can converse privately and immediately if need be. But, save my husband, noone else is there.
And one day when God brings me friends in our soon to be new location, they will either love me enough to call me on the phone, write me a personal email, or knock on my (heaven forbid!) door OR they will not, and I move on until I find someone who will.
And meanwhile, I’ll pull out the old scribbling pad once again, like I’m doing now. I’l find my way to the garden. I’ll browse for an hour in the library. I’ll call a friend.
This, right here, right now, is my response to the call God has been gently putting out for the past ten years. “Will you trust me, Kathleen? Will you come away? I have so much to show you. Won’t you come out to play?”
I am finally hearing you, Father. Help me. Guide me. Take my hand. Take all of me. I’ve tried it my way. Now we try it Yours.